Just fell off a train. Bad.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
Randomize
