Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
And the cops told us we were all naked.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
