I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Randomize
