first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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