Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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