everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
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