the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
