that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
