i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Randomize
