i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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