I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
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