My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
it's not cheating when I paid for it
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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