i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
