I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize
