no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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