Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
Buhtt sex?
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
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