he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
She made me pour olive oil on her.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
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