A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Randomize
