The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Randomize
