I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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