I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
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