I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
