my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
