I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
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