my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
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