Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
