your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
Randomize