I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
