new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Randomize
