sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Randomize
