Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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