I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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