meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
