she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
