Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
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