Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
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