apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
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