she was so not down for the gang bang
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
the gays at disneyland are vicious
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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