and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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