either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.
That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.
Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.
Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
