A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
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