Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Randomize
