just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
