im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
