Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Randomize
