Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Randomize
