I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
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