I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
there's paper in my vomit.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Randomize
