it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
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