worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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