I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
Randomize
