how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
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