I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
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