I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize