Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Randomize
